i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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