My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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