dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
