Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
