i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
