Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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