Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
