i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
