i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize