he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
