there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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