When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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