you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Randomize
