last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
