We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
