Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
