i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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