Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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