I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
