I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
