Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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