i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
