6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize