I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You were trust falling into bushes
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
