I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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