You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
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he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
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As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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