I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
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Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
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When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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