grandma shit on top of the toilet
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
