She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
