i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
