First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
