My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
