I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
