the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
