He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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