I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
