I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
