do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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