totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?