Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Randomize
