i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Apple has a Lot to Explain to iPhone X Customers
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
People Asked The Internet Questions About their Private Parts And The Results Are Hilarious
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos