"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.