if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
