There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
