life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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