If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Hippo gnu deer
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
