i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Text me some of your sweat
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