I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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