Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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