You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I have post one night stand depression
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
