dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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