3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Can i not drive my cunt home
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
