Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
