You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
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Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
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I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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