Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
