The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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