Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You are a genius and a whore.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
