the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
