Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
