FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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