guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
