A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
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i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
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Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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