he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I am mentally ready for anal.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
